The beginning to middle
Goes FAST—in a flash here we are at a midpoint looking back not sure how it all went so fast. Confused about the present day, sad and nostalgic about past days.
The thing about the middle
is we can be at the end and we just don’t know it and that can cause so much existential dread and crisis.
The weight of time presses harder in the middle.
That pressure to figure it out by now to finish all those unfinished projects—they overwhelm and at times stop your progress all together.
I am writing these thoughts in the middle of the night
Awoken to spinning thoughts of to do should do minutia. I try to pause and breath to slow down and calm myself to find my present but honestly the middle is a difficult place to navigate at times and some days it can knock you off your path.
Recalibration
Late night darkness with a blanket over my head seems to be a great place to recalibrate my brain and shake out my thoughts...I have sentences form while I lay there trying to get back to sleep but the sentences hold too much meaning and weight that I feel compelled to start writing. Turns out, it helps to write these thoughts down in calming down and relaxing my brain. Soon I fall back to sleep and rest for a bit.
Stepping out of the algorithm
A final thought in this middle of the night midlife mayhem is the feeling of being in a kind of virtual prison set by the algorithm. I fight against it by directly seeking out those I want to see or research whatever thoughts or ideas I have online and offline. These platforms we all exist on in the virtual realm often times as of late feel unfair or just to watered down and streamlined not showing the full picture of our collective realities.
We are spoon fed by these apps based on criteria in the end that is best for the app not for me. I seek out those I care about to check in and find the algorithm isn’t showing me their reality that they chose to share. If I rely on social media to serve up my virtual life I would be left and have at times felt extreme internet loneliness.
The great pause
We are all in this paused moment feeling similar to the middle of life there is an underlying yet in your face uncertainty that on certain days can hit you like an emotional boulder flattening you out rendering you useless. As we look back and wonder if this shift is permanent and did we just witness the last time ever certain things will happen––a paradigm shift where we all get tossed into a new way of existing. As the world feels divided it is also a difficult place to get to the middle ground of coexistence. Why is the middle so hard to navigate for so many reasons?
Still in the darkness
I can’t see answers—I am lost now for more words. How is this even related to my art life well it is deeply. I face unfinished projects and unfinished feelings about how to approach them. Questioning the purpose and reason for the works.For now I figure I’ll just sit in the darkness with my blanket over my head for a bit to sort my thoughts some more. Eventually the sun will rise and so will I if I’m lucky AND I am feeling lucky 🍀 .